Leslie Keijzer’s first 1.000 days

Surprise!

“Goof and I were surprised by the pregnancy test: two lines, positive! During my pregnancies I felt sexy, had great, shiny hair and felt like I could take on the world. As sexy as I felt before giving birth, that’s as insecure as I felt during the postpartum period. The contrast between those periods felt huge to me. My body had changed and I struggled with the identity change: suddenly I couldn’t leave the house spontaneously anymore.”

Developing intuition

“Of course we looked forward to meeting our baby. When we came home after a rocky birth, visitors were welcome immediately. ‘That’s how it should be’ we thought, but it was actually too early for us. It became an omen of many more ‘That’s how it should be’-thoughts, that I really struggled with those first years. When Moises was born, those - self created - expectations were tough on me. I became a perfectionist: bottles had to be given at exactly the same time and nap times were sacred. Those first years I had to learn to listen to my mother's heart and intuition. To me, it felt like I was the only one that could take care of Moises ‘well’, as if Goof couldn’t.”

That’s part of parenthood

“When I got pregnant again, the heaviness I felt after Moises’ birth disappeared. But after the birth of Manuel, it came back swiftly: I had trouble letting go of control, struggled to see the bright side of things, and got out of the house less and less. Slowly, I secluded myself even further, even though I was still smiling happily on social media. My dear ones must have noticed that I wasn’t doing well due to daily panic and anxiety attacks, but people often said to me that they were part of parenthood. I thought I was going crazy and there was nothing I could do about it, many times. Until I visited my neighbor and friend during a panic attack, and she asked me if I would consider medication, since she suspected I was struggling with postpartum depression.”

Postpartum depression

“I was never clinically diagnosed with postpartum depression, but I know that it was the right diagnosis. My medication has helped me: I can enjoy my life, my partner Goof and my sons again. 

It frustrates me that I reached out for help so many times to different experts. That’s why I decided to write a book about my postpartum depression: Mama huilt harder. I want to encourage all women to speak up if they’re not feeling well. With the book I hope to offer some recognition to all mothers struggling with feelings of depression. And they can pass on the book to loved ones, so they can hopefully get a better understanding of what their wife, friend or daughter is going through.”

Photo: Jesje Veling